Beautiful Vibe

Unicorns and Strippers

I will be homeless for the first time in my life come Friday. It will only be for four hours, but I believe it will be spiritually enlightening. I will wander the streets, perhaps hang out by the Home Depot and look for the best cardboard box to build my new home. I will make a cardboard sign and write something like, "I need a miracle" on it and beg for the kindness of strangers. Either I will walk away with a renewed faith in mankind and its philanthropy, or I'll continue loathing most people. It's a karmic roll of the dice.

Why will I be homeless? I'm sure you're wondering. My husband is throwing a bachelor party for a friend and since a stripper will be writhing on my coffee table and may deep throat some of my candles, I am banished. I am being kicked out of my own house by a woman I don't know and this intrigues me. I wonder what secrets the bachelor party strippers hold that the rest of us beautiful, yet mortal women are denied. It's this esoteric men's club that I want to investigate.

I respect these women and I don't think that what they do is demeaning. They choose it and they get paid for it. More power to them, but now this woman's choices are impacting my life. I won't have a home for Christ's sake and nothing pisses me off more than not having access to my own bathroom.

My husband is by no means a pig of a man. He does have webbed-toes which makes him a bit more amphibious and a better swimmer, but I digress. He's quite lovely in every sense of the word, but he does maintain this impenetrable code of silence that shrouds the mythic bachelor party. I think I'd see a freaking unicorn before I found out what really happens at these things. Perhaps it is best that I don't look into this any further. Ignorance may truly be bliss. However, I am big believer in knowledge. It's largely why I'm not stupid.

Short of becoming a stripper, which is no longer a career path I could pursue due to surgical scars and a fear of large cakes, I'm not sure how I will find out what goes on at these parties. I must devise a plan by Friday.

posted by T. @ 10:49 PM