Saturday, September 04, 2004

No Lifeguard on Duty

Dogs are much better than children, paws down. I know some of you think that's a horrible thing to say, but let's look at the facts. Kids are like boats. It's better to have a friend who has one. If you want to play with it, you can, but you don't have to do all the investing, the maintenance, and repairing. You can keep your freedom and "dabble" with parenting. If you teach your friend's kid something wrong, such as the beauty of the word fuck, you won't be the one at the parent teacher conference explaining why your 6 year old has the mouth of a 40 year old truck driver.

Everyone says how rewarding parenting is. I wouldn't buy this idea no matter how good the sale may be. Think about how many people you meet in life that truly sparkle, that make you go, "Wow, that person is amazing." Now think about how many self absorbed, jejune jerks you come across that make you say, "Freakin' asshole." People of the latter category cross our paths more often than the former. I'm a bettin' lady, and the odds are against most people producing one cool person.

Don't exacerbate the problem and try to help your odds by continuing to multiply. This is not a good plan at all, particularily if you do it right the first time. If you have a kid who sleeps through the night and doesn't have a third eye or a face that stops a truck, quit while you're ahead. Take your chips and walk away. Ignore any biological imperative to spread your seed. No matter how much you think you want to skinny dip in that gene pool again, just remember there's no lifeguard on duty.