Sweater Mensa
I've spent a lot of time today pondering the majesty that is the Earle family sweater. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, go here. There's a link to a photo and a little explanation of what the sweater is about. The short of it is this: all the Earle's have a sweater handmade for them by Carol, master loomer. The best part is that they all match and they wear them in a group out in public. It reminds me of an Osmond Family Christmas special or a postcard for the Special Olympics. I don't mock because I love. I mock because I envy.Having an Earle family sweater is like being invited to join an elite group like Mensa, but without the testing. The rules for earning a sweater seemed simple at first. You have Earle blood, you get a sweater. You marry an Earle, you get a sweater. Those rules makes sense. However, I noticed that there are a few "outsiders" who also own sweaters. As you may have noticed, my name is not on the list. So this begs the question: exactly how does one get invited to join Sweater Mensa?
The closest person on the outsiders list that I can draw a parallel to is Marie. Let's look at the stats. Marie is a good friend of Amy's. I'm a good friend of Amy's as well. We're the same age. We're both nice, fine upstanding citizens. We're both ladies. I will say that Marie is the nicest woman roaming the planet, but clearly my wit and charm balance out the tables. So why does Marie have a sweater and I don't? Here's my theory: Marie came into the Earle's lives when she was young, cute and vulnerable. They fell in love with her and wanted to dress her up in cute things. Bam, she dons a sweater. Me, I came into the picture as an adult and I guess they didn't want to dress me up in cute things. No sweater for me, just cold, harsh winters. I think I just missed my window of opportunity.
But could it be that simple? I fear not. There is some esoteric system they have that determines who gets a sweater. That's the only way I can explain Lou's presence on the list. Lou is Marie's husband, but come on.... he has no Earle blood, and technically he didn't marry into the family. Granted, Marie is like family, but that connection is not sweater-worthy. It might warrant a scarf or a hat, but not a whole freaking sweater. When I consider how hard Tom had to work to earn his sweater, and believe me, Amy had him working, the fact that Lou was "handed" one is as unjust as the OJ trial. Throw a flag out on the field because something foul is going on. Yes, I just compared Lou getting a sweater to a murder trial gone wrong. It is that grave of an offense and changes need to be made in the selection process.
I suggest a more structured, systematic approach to new membership. Testing would be good. The test could check for general knowledge of all things Earle with both multiple choice and essay sections. A sample question would be: "You have a swimming pool in your back yard. You choose to do what with it: a) Swim b) Float on a raft to cool off C) Fill it in with dirt and landscape it. A basic IQ test could weed out the weaker minded, and some feats of strength would be nice. I'm looking for quantifiable terms that will clearly draw the line between the haves and the have nots. Right now, it's a blurry line and I'm very confused.
Now, a brief change of subject. A note to John:
As for threatening to tell people of my porcelain phobias if I don't write on a regular basis and calling my blog "once witty" which implies it no longer is, the gauntlet has been hurled, John Earle. Not only will I write, I will rhyme and I will gibe and I will divulge the madness that is my crazy mind. The one that fears I will have to go, when I am so very far away from that porcelain commode. You thought I would shrink in fear with your taunts and threats, but you see, I have grown comfortable with my belly unrest. I no longer fear and I just embrace the fact that my stomach has no grace. It's weak and it's wild and often unkind. And yes, I am a bit obsessed with where I put my behind. It must be clean and it really must flush, but I really don't think I'm asking too much. So what say you now, Senor Earle, since I've already divulged my dirty little secret to the world?
11 Comments:
T,
You KNOW we're fond of you. But in Marie's case the relationship went much deeper.
Marie's real dad left her mom when Marie was very young. She and Amy have been friends since high school, and there was a LOT of Earle influence in Marie's development.
No, there is no Earle blood in her, but there was some Earle guidance and "parental" nurturing. Among other things, I fixed her car when it was wrecked, or when the air conditioning quit. (In Texas, that's a BIG DEAL!) She even asked me if I would like to walk her down the aisle when she married Lou. (And I would have, but her real dad surfaced and there was a reconciliation, so that was his place.)
It wasn't so much the fact that she was young and cute. There has been a longevity factor in her relationship with the Earle family that made her more like an adopted daughter.
And once we decided that that was descriptive of our relationship with her, she rated a sweater. But she didn't get one until YEARS had passed.
Now I'll grant you, Lou didn't have to work very hard for his. But maybe his hard work is just beginning. It may take him a LONG time to pay off that debt!
As for your pledge to keep posting, well, talk is cheap. I'll forego any future threats, and merely offer taunts if your actions don't match your promise!
John
You go girl! Great post - I love other people's perspective of my family and our oddities. And the sweater conflict is in full swing...Tom really resents how long he had to wait for his. He even questioned the validity of my son getting one so soon (within a year of his birth)! I hope you and Amy have fun in Spain, but if it's anything like most of Europe, public restrooms (when you can find one) leave a lot to be desired.
Tina, I think you need to demand your rightful sweater! Or better yet, book your ski trip at the same time and place and ruin their pics by wearing your "everyone got matching sweaters and all I got was this stupid t-shirt" t-shirt. Great post...I laughed out loud several times.
Christina...Tom's resentment over your son's sweater cracked me up, too.
Hey Karyn, thanks for stopping by the blog. I agree that I should just book my own ski trip and rent the cabin right next to them and compete for who is having the most fun. I like the t-shirt idea, too.
As for demanding my rightful sweater, I don't think I've earned one yet. I do understand that it takes time. I'm only 6 years in with my relationship with the Earles. In my post, I was just expressing my dismay over some people that seemed to have found a loop hole and have bypassed the waiting period. I thought it was a really structured system, but alas, it seems that there are some inconsistencies.
I back Tom with his resentment over Trevor just popping out and getting a sweater. He's gotta do some time, man. Is he just going to get a new one every year? I say he has one made, but make it for like a 10 year old boy. He can just grow into it over time. That seems fair.
Jeez...6 years is a long time. They only make you wait 6 weeks to get into a sorority and then you're sisters for life! Speaking of loopholes, maybe the Earles have an "adopted" son around your age. If you're married maybe you could name your first born Earle...it's worth a shot.
You mean they rent a cabin? I thought they all stayed in the pop-up.
We wouldn't all fit in the pop-up. Trust me, if we would all fit we would probably stay in it.
And Trevor may just get a new sweater every year, that's up to my mom. Tom resents anyone who got into the family and got a sweater quicker than he did. He needs to realize that it's really Amy's fault for playing hard to get for so long. I give him credit for his perserverance though. He really deserves two sweaters!
Excellent post Tina. I had a good laugh.
The Earles have been very involved in my life. Not only has John fixed my A/C and wrecked car as mentioned in his comments, but he and Carol put me through high school, got me my class ring, paid for Driver’s Ed, flew me to Texas for visits once we had moved to New Mexico, help with a number of personal issues that I won’t go into as they would take up to much time and space and a multitude of other things.. The Earles are INCREDIBLE and I am extremely lucky and blessed to have had them in my life for the past 20 years.
Keep posting. Great reads.
My lovely blue sweater, which I am very thankful to receive, will probably always be MAGENTA to you...
Some comments to Marie and "Anonymous."
Marie, I hope you don't think that I was claiming that you don't deserve a sweater. The Earle's have had a huge influence on your life and you deserve as many sweaters as Carol can crank out. My mere 6 year association with the clan pales in comparison to your tenure.
Now, "Anonymous".... where do I begin? Let's suffice it to say I know where you live and your name is short for "Lucifer." Yes, that's right, Lou...the unrightful owner of a sweater has chimed in. So nice of you to stop by. Hope you're feeling warm in your ill-gotten sweater. You should feel more than thankful. You should feel dirty having cheated the system. It's like getting a scholarship to college when you cheated on your SAT.
A quote from your blog: "Not only will I write, I will rhyme and I will gibe and I will divulge the madness that is my crazy mind. "
I have been checking back daily and am not seeing a new post. What gives?
T - Of course I did not think that you were claiming I didn't deserve a sweater. I just wanted to acknowledge a portion of what the Earles have done for me.
I enjoyed reading your perspective on the whole sweater thing. It was fun.
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